Ok…I must admit I am a certified “self-help books” addict! And in addition to the series of my self-help quest, I finished reading another great book that I believe all of us could relate with since all of us experience this feeling on a daily basis. This book is so informative and self-awakening that I wanted to share a few excerpts from the book:
“ANGER is a natural reaction to a failure in homeostasis. An angry outburst usually makes it more difficult, not easier to find a solution. Anger often gives you less control over a situation. Ability to withhold anger is a sign of psychological strength not weakness.”
“Humans feel angry whenever we perceive a threat to our physical or psychological well-being. An advantage of anger is that it serves as a kind of psychological warning device. We express anger because we imitate the same behavior we see with our same sex parent (scream yell, passive aggressive anger). Don’t buy the principle that ANGER is something that accumulates and requires a release.” Anger does not go anywhere, no organ and any part of our bodies for storage. As long as you are no longer in contact with an anger provoking stimulus, anger does not exist. It would only be reactivated once you think about the event.”
“If angry count to 10, if very angry count to 100, go for a walk, take a bath, go to a movie-do whatever it takes to remove yourself from the anger provoking scenario so you won’t say something impulsive & furious that you may deeply regret later.”
“A crucial aspect of anger management is understanding when why and how you may have to take yourself out of the situation so you will have a chance to reflect on how best to respond and not simply react to anger provoking stimuli around you”
“Fair Fighting-entails keeping the focus on the issue, not the other persons short comings, not making generalizations “you always…” don’t bring up the old grudges, not engaging in name calling and not making accusations against the other party.”
I’d also like to share a few helpful steps from this amazing book:
DR ALLAN’S ANGER MANAGEMENT FORMULA
Don’t react in anger-respond instead
Don’t buy into the myth that you will explode if you don’t express your anger
Accept that anger management is not easy, it has it’s ups and downs
Breaking the family anger cycle begins with parents
Do not threaten separation or abandonment when you are angry
3 STEP PLAN 4 OPTIMAL ANGER MANAGEMENT
1. Identify “hook”- lures that triggers anger
TYPES OF HOOK
Injustice-actions that is unfair, immoral, and selfish
Incompetence- anything and anyone inept lazy, selfish to identify and recognize
2. Recognize the need-we get angry when a need is frustrated
Types of need:
Respect-when others do not try to understand us, fail to keep promises, make decision without our permission, and impose values on us
Territory-someone takes our belongings, make too many demands, too much intimacy, loud noise, encroaches personal space
3. Fill the need
STEPS to CONFLICT RESOLUTION
State your position
State opponent position
Present proposal
Make an agreement
And this is one excerpt that really striked me:
““I learned a lot from my parents but not necessarily what they intended to teach me. I will never resolve all my anger issues with my parents, some of my needs for respect and understanding will never be met. I focus on one important outcome; I recognize I have had the power and knowledge to do better with my own children.”
“ANGER is a natural reaction to a failure in homeostasis. An angry outburst usually makes it more difficult, not easier to find a solution. Anger often gives you less control over a situation. Ability to withhold anger is a sign of psychological strength not weakness.”
“Humans feel angry whenever we perceive a threat to our physical or psychological well-being. An advantage of anger is that it serves as a kind of psychological warning device. We express anger because we imitate the same behavior we see with our same sex parent (scream yell, passive aggressive anger). Don’t buy the principle that ANGER is something that accumulates and requires a release.” Anger does not go anywhere, no organ and any part of our bodies for storage. As long as you are no longer in contact with an anger provoking stimulus, anger does not exist. It would only be reactivated once you think about the event.”
“If angry count to 10, if very angry count to 100, go for a walk, take a bath, go to a movie-do whatever it takes to remove yourself from the anger provoking scenario so you won’t say something impulsive & furious that you may deeply regret later.”
“A crucial aspect of anger management is understanding when why and how you may have to take yourself out of the situation so you will have a chance to reflect on how best to respond and not simply react to anger provoking stimuli around you”
“Fair Fighting-entails keeping the focus on the issue, not the other persons short comings, not making generalizations “you always…” don’t bring up the old grudges, not engaging in name calling and not making accusations against the other party.”
I’d also like to share a few helpful steps from this amazing book:
DR ALLAN’S ANGER MANAGEMENT FORMULA
Don’t react in anger-respond instead
Don’t buy into the myth that you will explode if you don’t express your anger
Accept that anger management is not easy, it has it’s ups and downs
Breaking the family anger cycle begins with parents
Do not threaten separation or abandonment when you are angry
3 STEP PLAN 4 OPTIMAL ANGER MANAGEMENT
1. Identify “hook”- lures that triggers anger
TYPES OF HOOK
Injustice-actions that is unfair, immoral, and selfish
Incompetence- anything and anyone inept lazy, selfish to identify and recognize
2. Recognize the need-we get angry when a need is frustrated
Types of need:
Respect-when others do not try to understand us, fail to keep promises, make decision without our permission, and impose values on us
Territory-someone takes our belongings, make too many demands, too much intimacy, loud noise, encroaches personal space
3. Fill the need
STEPS to CONFLICT RESOLUTION
State your position
State opponent position
Present proposal
Make an agreement
And this is one excerpt that really striked me:
““I learned a lot from my parents but not necessarily what they intended to teach me. I will never resolve all my anger issues with my parents, some of my needs for respect and understanding will never be met. I focus on one important outcome; I recognize I have had the power and knowledge to do better with my own children.”
I’m looking forward to being able to perfect anger management skills but I know it would take time and a lot of practice. That in the future, I’d be able to control my anger and be a role model for my own children and create an angry-free environment for my family.
